today

ok, so i need not be too eager.
and yet i'm on an adrenaline high from the #ATLUTD game I just witnessed at the #MercedesBenzStadium. It's fucking insane that their matches set world records for MLS attendance and that several of them have surpassed the counts for #WorldCup2018 games. But there is certainly an excitement in the air in that stadium and I hope that as the years go by it doesn't wane.

Our team tied with Seattle, but there was so much excitement every time the team approached the goal. Not to mention whenever SEA got into the area of ATL's goal -- will we/they or won't we/they?  I am a bit bummed that my school didn't give soccer/fútbol the attention it deserved back in the day because this shit is surely more exciting than baseball ever was...

Still drunk; had a fantastic time and can't wait to go back.

um.

I have an outlet,
but only on his schedule
and that's doesn't work for me
granted, he's the best option i have
and, given a choice, i'll choose him
but there are 7 days in a week'
and he's only open to 2 maybe
so the other 5 need tending
and there are so many men in the world
and i have buttons that need to be pressed
and i've settled for a lot less
than my due.
i need to stop settling
and pretend i'm 20 again
because i never took the time
to explore my sexuality before
and it's past time to do so.

13 July 2018

i'm sure i could come up with something more creative than the subject above, but i just kinda wanted to jump into the pool (cannonball, not a carefully-orchestrated dive). / listening to music now (i have so many Spotify playlists.

unplugged?

i am plugged in all day at work
then come home and plug back in again
but there's sun
and there's land
and there's, oh, so many wonders
in this wonderful
so-wonderful
little world.

but it's big
and it's grand
and it's oh, so many many things
to so many many many people
and i don't know which one i am
standing here, in this crowd
and i've lost myself in otherness
it's this otherness
that i fear.

but perhaps the fear of outside things
is with inside things,
holding hands.
grips so strong,
there's no way to break
no, no way to break
them apart

what would happen,
who'd i be
if i dared to stop obsessing
over what if's, maybe's, possible's
turned away, rescued me

I old myself o wrie wo sennces so I am b I forgo ha here are keys ha aren' working righ now. I cold be ineresing o see how far I can ge wih wriing senences ha aren' comleely and erly ninelligible. Does his con as wriing becase i's s inriging? robably no.

One sec.

Not quite sure what I want to write right now, but I know I want to write something because my fingers are tingling and my brain is sizzling and if I don't take advantage of one of these things, I'll burst into flames.

Probably not, though.

We're over halfway through the year and I haven't written a single song. Where did I lose my way? Not that I've tread too far off-course, just that my priorities have switched and I realize that I need to make room for both.

My presence has veered away at least four times so I have to find a task that will force me to be creative so I can show something off aside from just stream of consciousness.

balmy
having the qualities of balm: soothing; mild, temperate
crazy, foolish

This has not worked, but I'm saving it because it's a toe closer to the line than yesterday.

Bubbling

In a tiny corner of my mind
A voice suggested I open up a page
And empty my thoughts upon them
But I'm at the point
Where getting up to gather a notebook and pen
Would provide sufficient time
To lose my resolve
To lose the impulse
To ignore the rumblings beneath
In the basement of my superego

But why am I here?
What have I to say other than
To state the obvious fact
That there's more going on in my head
Than I let on?
Isn't that everybody?
You can't express all the thoughts
You can never say all the words
But that doesn't mean you can't inspire some of them


I keep coming back to the quote
(source TBD when I stop to check)
you best do something great enough to write about
or write something great enough to read
and I'm never quite sure which I'll do
but perhaps the fact that I'm considering the writing part
Means I should go for it

...

There's this writing contest that closes for submissions in a week. It's a flash fiction contest, so 1K or less. And I enjoy doing tableaus and blowing them up. So I think I might stand a shot. If nothing else, it will be fun to write ...and share.

musings

not sure why i'm here
but there's a fire within
that can't be snuffed
so i continue
and i persevere
and my ellipsis goes unclosed
(though not interrupted)
and one day will be the last,
i know
so i'm at the crux of a paradigm shift
do i let go and let life dictate my path
do i try to exert some control
it seems when i choose one path
it's the wrong one
and when i don't choose
it turns out alright
but never more than mediocre.
i suppose there's some control to exert
i suppose there's some diligence required
so i suppose i'll step away
and act upon the world i tread.

eh snot bin in never read date thing

it's not been an everyday thing
and a few of the days were simply gibberish
the problem is i keep starting to type
starting to open my mind
when i'm getting tired.
i need to do better next week
i need to write/blog daily
morningly
so i suppose i could commit to 30m every morning
that doesn't sound like much
but i need to start a habit
21 days, they say
and 30m could be done
somewhere in a gap between
dog empty/refill
coffee
ready for work
work.
i have been filling in empty time
with a silly computer game
and streaming videos
so morning will go as shown above
we will see how that goes
i really am tired
but i'm going to count this
even though it's just more gibberish

cerebral roads left untraveled, dust of sleep thick upon them like moss upon the tree

i've let myself down again
but i just need to pick myself back up again and move
and yet right now i'm pretty damn tired so i'm gonna bail.
i went to a WABE panel about how government (specifically at the state level) works. it was informative, though "just the tip." [i'd like to continue deepening my knowledge] started reading anne of avonlea [on e-book] even though i was [am?] pretty confident i preferred [prefer] paper. i'm ready to get to her romance with gilbert. i've been really hung up on period romances lately. but trashy romances are not appealing so i have to find something where the relationship [the heat] grows

perhaps i should write some.

i've wanted to brush up my history but perhaps that's too hard to surmount. didn't i say i was tired? because i am.

g'nite, future me.

So many things to do
So many goals to achieve
But I'm constantly distracted
flitting from one to another.
and never completing anything.
can success come in blips?
perhaps my deficient attention
is an advantage

Verbal Diarrhea

I'd like to start by beginning.

No excuses.

No long stories to soften the blow of my absence.

(If this writing to an audience is merely a delusion, I choose to believe you missed me.)

So we begin.

...

Yesterday (01/07/18) felt a bit wasted, though I got a few things done. I suppose I feel guilty because I spent six hours in front of Elvenar, a fantasy city-building game that is incredibly addictive. I'm sure there's psychology to that and I could probably research it like I do for the other blog (Ms. Window Shopper) but I need to keep moving.

I can't purge if I don't let go.

Around 2ish I decided I should move, so I took a shower. I changed back into my pajamas when I got out, but I took a shower and that's what counts. Realized I was hungry so I made a second cup of coffee and three breakfast burritos. They were acceptable but nowhere near as incredible as I could create with intention and focus.

What do I want to make for dinner tomorrow?

Oooh. Sausage Party.

Tomorrow is band practice and it's cold in my house so I guess we'll be playing music upstairs. Which is fine except it's messy up here. But I'm blessed with several large closets so it will clean enough soon.

Truth is hilarious. It's nice to be unashamed. Though I suppose I'm probably self-inflicting this anguish.

I keep getting off-topic, though I suppose that's what journaling is supposed to do: clear out the thoughts weighing down your mind. In the same way that talking to someone else can help you work out your problems and develop better solutions, talking to yourself or whatever echo you hear bouncing back from the walls you erect around yourself is cathartic.Not sure why I'm explaining the idea of journaling to myself, except that I seem to have forgotten.

Problem is, I can get lost in my mind and there are other things I'd like to accomplish before I succumb to sleep. (I should sleep as I work in the morning and generally hear the Circadian alarm around 5am regardless of how long I've had my eyelids closed.) So I should probably set a timer next time.

Ok, timer starts now and I am giving myself 12 minutes (because 12:45 is easier to remember).

Anyhow, after the eventful elven experience, I started reading Anne of Green Gables, watched Star Trek: The Next Generation, and wrote four blog posts. Did a little shuffling around of papers and collected a bag of trash. Then read more of the book.

Really enjoying it, just as much as I did in my youth. Perhaps more, as I can see and feel it all so vividly. I'm very grateful for the digital telephonic device I keep nearby, which has allowed me to quickly retrieve images of trees and flowers mid-sentence. I have an increased appreciation for and understanding of Snow Queen.

After all that, it was quite late. It was a single digit, but I decided I'd like to read one more chapter. So I did. Thereafter, I understood I was growing weary -- so turned on some TNG and dozed off in the middle of a Dr. Crusher monologue.

I should probably write to you aobut today, but I'm tired and it's 12:45 so I guess now is the time to end it. Ta-ta!