Crumbling

Ruth's Chris and Centennial Park with Jason, dressed up like I'm supposed to and because I still like to please him and see the giddy schoolboy and because we wee going on a "real" date in the city like I'm been aching for for a long time. David, our server, was great -- free appetizer and bigger lobster tail! Jason embarrassed me by being loud and immature (can I ever accept this man? Because this is who he is) and I need to figure out if I was embarrassed because of what others might think or embarrassed because I'm accepting less than I want/need -- I want a cultured, well-spoken, subdued man sometimes and I rarely see this in him. That said, I told him I wanted a passionate man and he played that role later on when we returned to find a boot on the car we hadn't been able to pay with the CC and Jason said "I guess I'll get some cash" but I didn't remind him when we got to the restaurant so he never did go back. And I'm torn between how much wifely support is necessary and how much is being codependent and I accepted half blame and 2/3 of the unbooting charge and part of me is fuming about that but there was no other way. Sounds codependent.

When Jason acted like a child -- blaming the world for being "against him" despite the fact that he's "never hurt another person", lying about his actions with the car parking situation ("I called as soon as the machine refused my payment" -- he didn't -- "and no one answered"), and throwing out excuse after excuse for his behaviors ... I jumped right back into the mother role. UNHEALTHY. To top this off, Jason snooped in my phone and discovered I'd made a call to Shaun. I confessed that we'd been talking on and off since before February and hadn't gotten together but both still wanted to make music but knew it was selfish and we hadn't figured out how to make it work considering the situation and the parties involved. All true, but not the whole story. I told Jason -- who started rambling about how he'd rather get physically violent than shed tears -- that he had to do what was best for him and to work on finding other coping mechanisms that weren't scary or detrimental to his health. I tried to include several confessions of my own attempts to fix my own broken coping strategies but IDK how much I mad it through to him. The first half of the night was very nice, though the embarrassment and his excuses -- "I don't make enough money to treat you like this (as if SAVING UP isn't an option) -- and my own tendencies toward apathy -- kissing him felt wrong somehow -- were bad signs.

More writing on the wall. I told him I've not learned to cope with solitude, that just when I was making progress I grew lonely and opted to fill that void externally instead of working through the discomfort to a better understanding. I didn't specifically mention Saturday's sex under the stars -- during which I just made comparisons in my head (even in the throes of passion) -- but I know now it was a mistake because he is head-over-heels again and I was just pressured to make him happy (self-motivated, but nonetheless pressured). I told him I needed some space, that we could hang occasionally but no more sleepovers for a while and he said "no", threatening that this loss of intimacy was not acceptable if we were to continue on.

BUT THAT IS HOW IT HAS TO BE. This is my decision -- I will not stay the night until I'm ready (1 week minimum). I will step back and THINK before falling back on codependent behaviors. I'll let him vent but not offer advice unless he asks for it. I will talk to Shaun about our relationship, our future, its complications. I don't think we can play or even consider it until after this baby is born. I can't let him throw away his marriage. I will get phone numbers and/or a sponsor to work with this week.