Update

A few quick things.

I now have 5 blogs and really need to consolidate.  Granted THIS ONE has not been used in almost 3 years, but ... there's some value to looking back every so often.  Well, if you aren't in my inner circle or somehow the grapevine hasn't grown into your side of the patch, the last blog entry was pretty much the sign of things to come.  Charles and I fought, and less than 2 months later, I cheated on him and found my escape.  I'm not proud of cheating ... but I had gotten to a point where I was under his spell - MIND CONTROL - and didn't have the strength to do it the right way.  If you can't tell from that last entry, I was a bit brainwashed.  All these doubts kept coming up RE: major, relationship, life and I kept pushing them down at his prodding.  I guilt-tripped myself because he taught me that was what I should do.  That I should be ashamed of the way that I am.  That I should be somebody else.  It makes me sick to read this stuff.

Especially now that I've got Jason.  He's the most amazing man I've ever met and there is no end to the wonderful things I could say about him.  He proposed to me on Christmas Eve underneath the Christmas tree and I couldn't stop crying I was so excited.  Even now, weeks later, I think about our future together and get teary-eyed.

Which is a totally different reaction than when Charles proposed to me.  We'd been together for six months and we made a trip to the Kokomo mall and we were standing outside so he could smoke (I think).  I turn my head and when I look back he's got this ring and asks me very nonchalantly.  (It was almost as if it wouldn't have mattered to him if I'd said no.  It just didn't seem like a big deal to him.)  At this point, he's already made clear his disgust for my family and almost came to blows with my brother, David.  And it's only been six months.  I really don't know what made me stay with this man or say yes.  Probably the same thing that made me say "I love you" when he told me the words weren't a "big deal" when we'd only been dating for a week.

I don't know where it came from but there was this voice in my head somewhere telling me to stay with him.  Telling me that even if it felt wrong, I should follow it until I had indesputable proof that I shouldn't be with him.  I don't know...around March 2006, when I wrote the last post ... or perhaps earlier, when I asked myself "Have you ever wondered where you'd be if you'd made one different decision?"  (Referring to Joel.  Wow, I wonder what would have happened.  He was a hot piece of ass.)... I fell completely out of love with him.  I don't know if I was ever truly IN LOVE or if I just believed I was because he told me I was.

Anyway, that's it.  I've got to work out how to consolidate my blogs.  Too many.