Arr

I am completely that guy from the ALL AMERICAN REJECTS VIDEO with the POSTSECRET postcard that says "I am a calm person that is filled with violent rage." Except that I'm lacking his particular anatomy ... and that I didn't doodle a little postcard and get my doodles published. Whatever. Self-publishing ... that's what livejournal is all about, huh?

Charles and I had this huge fight last night ... and I feel like a total douchebag. I think I've become this self-centered little girl ... I'm devolving into the high schooler I never really was back at THS. I feel like I need to "find myself" but I haven't involved this man who's put all this time and effort into the relationship ... and I feel like I'm distancing myself from him and don't really know whether I intend to or not.

I like to think of myself as a good person. But I've been letting everyone down lately ... my school performance blows - I don't know if my inner doubts about my major (can I really see myself in medicine...? As much as I HATE organic chemistry?) are worth my time or if I'm just trying to give up on something that takes a little extra effort because everything up until now has been so easy? I guess that's the same problem with Charles and I ... he challenges me to be better and I just don't want to put in the effort?

I guess I'm not as good as I thought I was.

Part of me feels like WOW has become this escape for me ... by sitting my arse in front of a computer and killing faux creatures and leveling up and talking with the "natives" I cease to be me and my problems disappear. Until I hit the power button on the computer ... at which point they all appear again and I wonder how I'm going to get all my homework done since I've wasted all this time away ... or how the laundry's going to get done or whatever.

What am I trying to escape from? Have I become so unhappy with my current situation and feel so stuck that this is my only way out? Or am I just unhappy with myself? God, is this what depression feels like?

I wish there were a simple answer ... like I could pay a psychiatrist a few hundred and get everything worked out. *Sigh*